*This post is the last installment in a three-part series (Start with the first if you haven’t already).
One’s truth is a very personal thing.
I was closing in on the end of my drive and felt quite humbled. The stories I was sharing were like spokes on a wheel, all connected at the center.
This tale was woven like a spider spins its web: lots of tiny details and moments subtlety tied together with an indescribable something that helps it all stick.
“And that is why we can be sure that every detail in our lives is worked into something good”
I fessed up to Becky at this point. I explained how I hadn’t written a single post since March. I wasn’t using the time wisely (or so I thought). I was given it as a gift, and I believed I had squandered it. I felt lazy and my inner voice was calling me a slack ass. I was hiding behind sleep and snacks, two of the three things I named my penny the day before.
“God isn’t going to supernaturally charge an incompetent, unpleasant, chaotic dreamer.”
But now, sitting in the car, I felt quite peaceful as I spoke to Becky. To wrap up my long-winded tale, I told her one last story. It was the final nail in the coffin; the tie that binds this all together.
The story is of a kind and successful lady, a friend of mine. She smiles and dresses the part, but she struggles on the inside. She may not realize the extent to which her pain is impacting her life or those around her.
For example, her story impacted mine.
You see, she is grieving a relationship. A man she loved is no longer in her life. And she hurts. She doesn’t understand why he left and she wants to, but can’t. She has memories of their time together, of their marriage, and that is all normal. If you just met her and she hadn’t put a time/date stamp on it, you would imagine the wound was still fresh, raw, and new. The thing is this relationship ended seven years ago, but she speaks about it as part of her current reality and identity:
“He left me”, “I had a terrible husband and he left me”, etc.
Please don’t think I’m a heartless and soulless bitch. I hate that she still hurts over him. She is a sweet and kind soul. Everyone has to take time to heal in their own way. And maybe I wouldn’t have noticed what I did, if it hadn’t been for what spoke to me during the conference and from Chalene’s podcast.
[Tweet “Divine intervention, omens, and signs are like breadcrumbs leading us safely home, to the truth.”]
I realized immediately that I didn’t want to be five years further down the road and still stuck in the same place I was when I went ‘no contact’. I didn’t want to be her. Of course I understand our stories are different, we all grieve in our own way, and we all walk our own path. I felt in my very soul that it was time to take a step in a new direction.
Sure I’ve made great strides and seen tremendous growth in many areas of my life, but as much as I wanted to forgive, the truth was, I hadn’t. Not completely.
I hadn’t let go of the hurt, the sadness, the betrayal. It fueled my brand.
I felt called to warn others about toxic relationships and unhealthy levels of narcissism, share signs of manipulation, and show that sociopathy is more prevalent than people realize.
I thought that since I could talk about my story, I had healed. I thought that since I no longer sobbed everyday or that the intrusive thoughts were rapidly disappearing, I had healed. I thought that since I was leaning in to the things that made me anxious and frightened, I had finally and fully healed.
And I rationalized the hell out of what I was doing. I thought that I was helping others. ‘I wasn’t bashing him, I was empowering others to stay safe’, I thought self-righteously. The truth was there was a part of me that hadn’t let it all go.
“What part of our life have we wasted, squandered, someone has damaged me, can’t let go, but now we believe this can be redeemed for something bigger?”
I looked at my heart and realized, Jen, you can’t value personal growth and have your brand focus entirely on these things. They’ll keep you trapped. It isn’t good for my soul and maybe subconsciously I knew that. It’s time to let go.
“You need to change your ways, to give up the unhealthy aspects of your life, to succeed and move forward with the gifts God gives you.”
Maybe that’s partly why I took the blogging hiatus for the last few months. I needed to spend the time on other things. To reflect. To self-care. To strengthen my soul and grow in the areas He needs me to be strong.
“It’s OK to take breaks, or pauses, for self-care when we are living our purpose.”
I had to see the black hole in my life. I had to be able to imagine how much better my life could be without it.
“What are the things sucking the light out of you?”
Once I could see that clearly, I could embrace the season of pruning which means growth would follow, and then new blooms will appear.
“When nurturing your calling, there is time for pruning, growing, and blossoming.”
So I knew that it was time. Time to open a new door.
“Truth is transformative and is revealed in you.”
I mustered up some inner strength and said to Becky, “Now its time for me to play The Truth Is… improv game”.
The truth is…
- The brand I developed was a byproduct of a black hole.
- If you come in contact with one, nothing in your life is exempt from its fate.
- They can get more and more powerful by feeding on things nearby.
But it is also true that…
- Sometimes when our eyes have already been opened, black holes are valuable, revealing new truths.
- They serve a purpose in the grand story.
- The are viewed as positive and negative, like the poinsettia.
It felt like I had jabbered for three hours. I took a deep breath and told Becky I was done rambling. For all I knew she would think I was a wacko, but I trusted that gut feeling and asked her thoughts. I swear I could hear her beaming smile on the other end of the line immediately. That was sign enough, but she went on with words of affirmation and encouragement.
After I arrived home, I had to look at the very heart of myself, at my values and goals. Where did I want to see myself in five years. What did I want personally, professionally? How would I get there? What have I learned during this leg of my journey?
I spent the weeks since Launch Out soul-searching and brainstorming. I spoke with trusted allies who want nothing more than to see me shine, and I am letting go of that which no longer serves me.
“We must be willing to let go of the live we planned to have the life that is waiting for us.”
A lot has happened for me since the end of March. The tweaked focus here is a direct reflection of the soul work I’ve done. Some of it didn’t even feel like work and some of it felt scary and odd, yet empowering.
I’m making changes. Changes that are one step closer to the me that I should be. I’m no longer using the Wonder Woman moniker. As much as it fit when I embraced the name, it’s now lacking (talk about a quickie, haha), not to mention the potential legalities that could come into play. You served me well, but now I must say adieu.
Goodbye Wonder Woman.
Goodbye Toxic Education Advocate.
Goodbye miniscule desires to be socially appropriate.
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
~Paulo Coehlo, The Alchemist
Hello…Hero Spirit: My New Truth.