“The Muppet Christmas Carol” speaks to me on so many levels.
This time of year speaks to my very soul about love and peace and hope. My eyes light up and the joy that I carry with me year round is amplified as soon that third Thursday of November hits the calendar. Thanksgiving kicks off the joy of Christmas for me, it always has.
“It’s in the singing of the street corner choir.
It’s going home and getting warm by the fire.
It’s true where ever you find love it feels like Christmas.”
It’s funny, not like “ha ha” funny, more like “that’s interesting” funny, because my detour and journey of self-destruction began during this time of year as well. Up until this very winter, I’ve always struggled during the darker months of the year. I attributed it to my battle with depression, amplified by Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).
The Christmas of 2012 was the darkest of my life.
Unemployed. No clear plan. Feeling oh so lost. Living with my parents. Hopeless. Scared. Panic Attacks. I was lost in the swamp of sadness, and I couldn’t see a clear way out. Thankfully for me, even in my darkness, a light was shining just enough for the next step and I found my way out.
The Christmas of 2013 was unlike the previous year in so many ways. All of those previous feelings and circumstances were behind me. Yet there was a different darkness that was sitting by my side. Reality. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. Opening our eyes to the truth, though sometimes painful, is the first step away from denial and allows you to cross over the threshold into the warm foyer of a new home.
At the end of November in 2013, I stood confidently and said goodbye. I said no more. I said,
“I hear you, I respect your words, but I cannot be in your life. I wish you well. Goodbye“.
That was the day I fully accepted the pathology of a man who conned me.
He used me, rather he exploited me. He used me for some sense of normalcy, for stress relief, and as inspiration for his work. The role of Muse was never less romantic.
He lied to me, not just an “I don’t want to hurt your feelings” kind of lie. This man was, and still is, a Pathological Liar.
Pathology is another term for a series of traits or characteristics that run together, these traits are considered a deviation from healthy, normal, and safe behavior. This was a man who, though self-aware, accepted his “victim mentality” and admitted to being highly narcissistic and selfish. I believe it was easier for him to own the label of “selfish” than to outright say he had a personality disorder, a character disorder, or own the heavily-weighted, yet socially unclear term, sociopath. Why would he care you ask? He was raised in a Christian home. He studies the Bible.
This can lead to so much freaking cognitive dissonance your head could explode.
On one hand, we know what the Bible says about the possibilities of redemption, healing, and wholeness. On the other hand we know what psychologists and neuroscientists say about brain disorders. There is hope for the former for all. But The Bible has also mentioned how our minds are tiny and can’t even remotely understand what our Creator is up to.
This was a man I had known for years and had affectionately given the nickname “Scrooge McDuck” during the building phase of our friendship. Little did I know how prophetic I was being at the time. His behavior proved it in the end, though he covertly tried to hide it as long as he could.
I celebrated my “No Contact” anniversary this year. I am a strong woman for making that step. Anyone who confidently says “No” exhibits those traits. The Hero Spirit says no. Standing up for your wants and needs apologetically.
So I am speaking to you. Yes you. You have a Hero Spirit.
You do. You may not know it yet. You may not see what I see or know what I know. But I want you to take a moment and look at the truth around you. Open your eyes and face your current reality.
I will leave you with some of the last words Scrooge McDuck said to me:
“You deserve to be happy.”
For someone who has unhealthy levels of narcissism, cannot experience empathy, lacks a conscience, and has a host of other unhealthy traits; feelings and emotions aren’t truly experienced. They walk the earth seeking to feed an empty hole. It’s sad really. So his words, although empty for him, are profound for us, and I will add to them.
You deserve to live the life that feels safe and healthy.
You deserve to feel confident in your boundaries.
You deserve to take care of yourself.
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It’s to open the door to the beginning of the rest of your life. A life you can love. A life that feels like Christmas every single day.XO,